Euphemisms are everywhere in the workplace. Some days it feels like you can’t get up to refill your coffee without your boss asking you to “check if the Belgians have enough salt to last the winter”, or urging you to “be the first one to piss in the sea!”

These phrases are useful for saving time in the workplace, for getting your point across or just for sounding like you know what the hell you’re supposed to be doing. But you can’t deny that, with repeated use, they make you sound like some sort of crazy, word-saying robot boy.

You don’t want people thinking you’re a robot. You want people to think you’re a nice normal human business boy. Keep an eye on how people react to the way you speak. Do their eyes glaze over? Do their tongues hang out? Do they ask if you’re some kind of crazy robot?

We have tested all the people that are good at business, and our tests show us they were not robots. If companies could use build robots, why would they employ us? Because we smell good? That’s ridiculous. Robots can make perfume just as good as humans make. Japanese robots have been making our perfumes for years. They just don’t tell us because of the stigma.

Commit this list to memory, and then burn your memory, because you do not want to remember these words and say them at work. They are the words of bad robot business.

So start up the old cat-skinner, clear the dead leaves from father’s attic, and above all, never look a photograph in the eye…

Please Stop Saying These 18 Ridiculous Phrases At Work

  1. This isn’t some sort of pretend children’s business. This is a real business.
  2. If you’re gonna cockfight, cockfight right.
  3. We should kill Mark.
  4. We’ve all been greasing the same sled.
  5. Act like you’re wearing the crown of King Business.
  6. A quick shot of heroin should get us out of this mess.
  7. Why did my pay come in gold bars this week?
  8. It’s not a euphemism. I’m saying we should kill Mark.
  9. Business business business business.
  10. We’ll check out that bruise and see if it looks like a face.
  11. Look, we all saw him yelling at Lucy earlier. She’d be the first one the cops would suspect. We should definitely kill Mark.
  12. I’ll believe that when geese dance on the frozen Volga.
  13. Let’s fuck that dog when we find it.
  14. I say condoms are overrated. You just need to give that whole area a real good scrub with soap.
  15. Many an ugly child came from a Russian mother.
  16. Let’s sell these berries I found growing in the park.
  17. Why set fire to an orphanage when you can just sell the children cigarettes?
  18. Hello. My name is Business Businessman.

What are your least favourite bad business noises? Please share them in the comments section below. Because, after all, you can still feed dirty fruit to pigs.

Based on Travis Bradberry’s article, ‘Please Stop Saying These 25 Ridiculous Phrases At Work’.

Martin Dunlop is a Melbourne-based comedian.